Auto and the Kid
by Rupert Brown
Summary: Autolycus inadvertently picks up a stray orphan, and turns to Xena to help him get out of the situation.
1. Chapter 1

Title: "Auto and the Kid"

Type: Mainstream

Subtext: No. Subtext? What subtext? Never heard of the stuff. ;-)

Rating: G

Spoilers: None

Continuity Placement: Eh, let's say Season 2. Why not:-)

Historian's Note: No known historical inaccuracies noted.

Synapses: Autolycus inadvertently picks up a stray orphan, and turns to Xena to help him get out of the situation.

Author's Note: This story was born out of a Lyrics Challenge that I participated in. The song that inspired it was "Fine Life" from the musical "Oliver!", I'll leave it to you, dear reader, to find the line that refers to this. ;-)

Archival Permission: Yes. But I'd like to know first. (Like anyone would want this tripe! ;-)

Disclaimer: All characters within are the sole property of Universal Studios. The use of herein characters is for private use only. No infringement is intended, either expressed or implied. All rights reserved. Copyright 2008.

"Auto and the Kid"

By Rupert Brown

Prologue

Making good an escape from a successful job, Autolycus saved a small boy from being run down by a cart. Little did the king of thieves know that this small gesture would result in so large a problem.

It turned out that this little boy was alone in the world, and as having no one to turn to, latched onto Autolycus as his newfound 'parent'. And to complete the picture, he set about becoming a thief as well, much to the older rouge's dismay.

Try as he might, he couldn't dissuade the lad from this inclination. Finally, desperate, he sought out Xena for help. Amused, she consented to aid him. And here the tale picks up.

Chapter 1

Walking down the path, Autolycus would occasionally look over his shoulder. The boy was still back there, doggedly following them, much to his consternation and the girls' amusement.

"I'm telling you Xena, that kid's cramping my style!"

Xena laughed at the desperation in his voice.

"I mean, how does it look," he went on, "for the King of Thieves to have some kid hanging around?"

"You could always say he's the heir apparent..."

"Cute. I come to you with a problem and you make jokes. I don't know what Joxer sees in you two..."

Xena turned to him, her eyes dancing merrily.

"Look, it's not as if your head's in a noose. You just have an admirer. In fact, I think it's kind of cute."

Autolycus grimaced. "Yeah, real cute. Listen sister, you can keep all the strays that come your way if you want, but me, I'm a lone wolf kind of guy. I've got an image to uphold."

"Look," the Warrior Princess said again, "I said I'd help and I will."

"Yeah? Then how?"

"He wants to be a thief, right?" Autolycus nodded.

"Then we just show him how a thief lives."

Autolycus felt uneasy at the smile that crept over Xena's face.

"We'll show him that the life of a thief isn't as glamorous as he thinks it is."

Turning around, Xena addressed Gabrielle, who had been keeping step with their new 'ward'.

"We don't have any ginseng root left. I think I saw some in the village we passed by yesterday. Could you go back and get some?"

Knowing her part, Gabrielle replied in kind.

"Sure thing. I'll be back before you know it." Leaning down, she ruffled the boy's hair.

"See 'ya little guy."

"I told you, I'm not little! I'm almost nine!"

While her body mimicked solemn acceptance, the smile she wore ruined the artifice.

"Oh, you better take Argo." Xena added blandly.

"Right."

Grabbing Argo's reigns, the bard waved to the crew before turning down the trail.

In a low aside, Autolycus queried, "Ginseng root?"

"Work with me here." The Warrior Princess murmured.

And so the three of them walked together until they finally reached a town by the name of Macosoftis.

"Okay, now what?" Autolycus whispered.

"Watch and learn..."

She raised her voice to make sure the boy could hear her.

"We need to find a place to stay for the night. I'll have a look around."

Catching on, Autolycus answered in the same manner.

"Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea. Come on kid, let's see if we can't find a place to bunk." In an exaggerated effort, he took the boy by his side and set off through town.

Left to herself, Xena headed straight for the stables, the pre-established rendezvous site.

There was Gabrielle, waiting with Argo just as planned.

"So, how do we go about doing this?" The blond bard asked.

"One step at a time..."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Took 'ya long enough." Autolycus remarked as Xena came into the room. 

Knowing Autolycus as well as she did, Xena had insisted on an inn over the dives he usually frequented. He'd complained about keeping a 'low profile', but after some 'friendly' persuasion, had relented.

"You'll never guess what I found out."

"You're right, so how's about telling me?"

"The Countess Del-la Portina is in town."

"Who?"

"The Countess Del-la Portina..." She growled out, fixing Autolycus with a look.

"Oh!" He exclaimed, catching on. "Yeah, the countess Del-la Portina... Hey, she's loaded!"

"No kidding." The warrior woman deadpanned.

"Alright kid," Autolycus said, turning to the boy on the bed. "You wanted to become a thief? Well, here's your first job. Up for it?"

"You bet!" Youthful enthusiasm radiated from his face.

"We'll see. Here's the score. This countess," He waved his hands, trying to remember the name.

"Del-la Portina." Xena offered helpingly.

"Yeah, that's the one. Well, anyway, she always has this, er, necklace with her, see? Well-"

The boy interrupted.

"What kind of necklace?"

"What kind of necklace? Uh, it's um-"

"Pearls." Xena supplied.

"Right, right. They're pearls. Rare and expensive pearls. They're called, um, 'The Eyes of...' er-"

"Aphrodite."

"Yeah, 'The Eyes of Aphrodite'. They're worth a fortune. If we can get our hands on those puppies we can write our own tickets from here on in. Normally they'd be harder to get to than a Hestian virgin. But we're in luck. She must be in town to, uh..." Again he looked to Xena.

"Visit a few friends while traveling onto Athens."

"That's it. So we've only got a short amount of time to pull this off. Once she's back on the trail, we'd be seen coming from a mile away. We've got to make the grab while she's in town."

Intrigued, the boy wanted to know more.

"How long is she here?"

"Uh, how long is she in town Xena..."

"For the next three days."

"Three days! So we've got to get our stuff together and make a plan."

"But first," Xena interjected, "We need someone to keep an eye on where she's staying. Someone to get the 'lay of the land', stake the place out. I'd do it myself, but her security has already seen me."

"Yeah... But I can't do it because my well-known mug is plastered on every wanted poster from here to Corinth. The price of fame." He sighed, ignoring the patronizing look Xena leveled at him.

The wheels slowly turning, the boy came to the expected conclusion.

"I can do it!" He said.

"You?" Xena feinted surprise. "But you're just a little kid. No, we'll just have to wait until Gabrielle comes back."

"But that could take days and days! The Countess will be gone by then!"

"Oh, that's right." Xena slapped her forehead. "But we couldn't possibly send you. It's such a very important and dangerous task..."

"I can do it!" The boy persisted, looking imploringly from one grownup to the other.

"I don't know..." Xena wavered. "What do you think?" She nodded towards Autolycus.

"Hey, the kid's gotta learn the ropes someday, right? I say let 'em go for it. If he gets caught he can always play the 'poor little orphan' card."

Resolute, Xena faced the child.

"Alright, we'll let you do it."

They spent the next hour going over with him what he was to do. Satisfied, they at last set him out with the instruction to let them know if anything of note happened. Once he was out the door, the two stood back, contemplating their next move.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

One or the other of them had been keeping an eye on the boy at all times. The kid had been sent to 'stakeout' the inn that Countess Del-la Portina was staying at. He was to stay there all night if necessary to make sure of her whereabouts. At the same time he was to take note of the surroundings and any suspicious characters. 

By eight o'clock Xena found him curled up asleep behind the barrel he'd been using as his 'outpost'. She was tempted to cover him up, but she didn't. While it might seem cruel, the only way to break him of his fantasy of becoming a thief was to subject him to the realities of the situation. Or at least, simulated realities.

Anyway, at this time of the year it was rather mild at night.

She had just turned to leave when she bumped into Autolycus. He was carrying a blanket.

"I thought we agreed-"

"Hey, don't get the wrong idea, this is for me. It gets cold out here at nights, you think I'm gonna freeze on account of having to baby sit Rip Van Winkle over there? You got another thing coming sister."

Xena took him gently by the shoulder, and heedless of his protests, led him back to the inn.

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When Xena returned in the morning, she found Autolycus already there, deeply engaged in conversation with the boy.

"If you don't mind having to go without things, it's a fine life. Fine life. Though, you sometimes come by the occasional black eye..." It was at this point that he saw Xena and urged her over.

Coming over, she sat down on her haunches, leaning towards the two as Autolycus filled her in.

"Kid says no one went in or out all night long." Autolycus smiled slightly.

"That's good." Xena fought to keep a smile from her own face. Seriously, she asked what had gone on this morning.

"So far nothing." Was the response. "But I-hold on, someone's coming out."

Across the street, emerging from the inn, was a grand figure. While too far away to make out details, they could tell that it was a woman, flamboyantly dressed with a high regal collar extending far above a head that swiveled around, taking in its surroundings. Whether with distain or approval they couldn't tell.

As they stood there watching, a carriage pulled up, and the woman was escorted into it. With a yell and a lash of the reigns, it sped away.

Xena could tell that the boy was awe struck; even Autolycus looked impressed.

"Was that her?" The little kid asked.

"Yeah, was it?" Autolycus asked in just the same manner, much to Xena's exasperation.

The kid was thoroughly entranced by what he had seen. The glamour and richness had impressed itself on his young mind. He began to pepper them with question after question. How would they get the pearls? When would they do it? Did she always ride around in a carriage? These and more he wanted to know.

A look having passed between them, the two adults weathered the storm.

"Now comes step two." Xena said, leaning against the alleyway. Autolycus took over.

"Right. See, now we've got to follow her. Know where she's going, where she's been, how long she stays away, all that good stuff. Once we know her patterns then we can pin a timetable down." He rubbed his hands together in anticipation.

"Only one problem though," Xena pointed out. "You and me would stick out like a sore thumb if we're seen following her."

Autolycus stroked his chin. "Hmmm, that's right. Hadn't thought of that..." The kid took the 'bait' immediately.

"I could do it! Nobody would notice me, I'm just a kid."

"Hey, you know something? He's right!" Xena said, her eyes going wide in mock surprise.

"But can he do it?" Autolycus sounded dismissive. "He's just a kid. This kind of job takes endurance, you've got to follow these folks all over the place-wherever they go. There's a lot of leg work involved."

"I can do it!" The kid persisted. "I know I can! I won't get tired!" In fact, he was exhausted from last night, but he wouldn't tell them that!

"I don't know..."

"Please!"

"Okay, you convinced me." He took the kid's hand and gave it a shake. "You're our leg man. You've got to keep the lady in your sights at all times, understood?"

The boy nodded vigorously.

"Alright then. Just so we understand one another. Go out and find her." Giving a thumbs up, he pushed the kid out into the road. Motioning to Xena, the two adults went back to the inn.

"I'll take the first watch." Xena whispered, as they rounded a corner.

"Sounds good to me."

The boy spent the rest of the morning trying to track down the elusive Countess, unaware that his every move was being followed by Xena.

All day long he shuttled to and fro, seemingly at random, just trying to find the Countess. And once he did, things only got worse. Flittering back and forth to shops, taking leisurely drives beyond the village, dodging down every side street and back ally around, the task wore the poor boy out.

By that night he was dead on his feet, but his work had only begun.

He found himself roused by Xena-unwittingly he'd fallen asleep.

"What are you doing?" The warrior woman asked. "We need you to keep watch tonight, make sure the Countess doesn't go somewhere."

Groggily, and more asleep than awake, the boy mumbled something and made a valiant effort to seem awake. But it wasn't long before he succumbed to the sandman's embrace once more. But each time he'd fall asleep, Xena would be there to wake him up on one pretext or another. She wasn't fond of this, but it had to be done.

By the time the sun rose, the kid's eyes were red rimmed with lack of rest. They'd been sure not to push him too far of course.

"Great work kid!" Autolycus commended him. "Now that we've got her pattern nailed down comes step three."

"The most important part," Xena interjected, "stealing the pearls."

"We'll do it tonight, when she's asleep. Climb up the drainpipe, jimmy the shutters open, slip in, grab the goods, then split. Piece of cake."

The boy was awake now. "Tonight?" He was on his way!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

They didn't set out until the wee hours of the night. The stars shone from the sky with such brilliance as to illuminate their way. The air was crisp, but all in all it was an auspicious night to be out. 

Going slowly, they darted from shadow to shadow, seeing no one about. At last they came up along side the inn.

"Okay, let's go over this one more time." Autolycus instructed. "You," he pointed to Xena, "are the point man. You let us know if anyone's coming so we can scadattle our rear ends out of her if need be."

"You," this time he indicated the boy, "come up with me. Once I get the window open you go in and get the necklace. Being the smallest of us, you'll make the least amount of noise going across the floor. Not to mention you can hide easier, if the countess there is a light sleeper. Got it?"

The boy gave a quick, decisive nod.

"Alright then. I guess everyone's set, so let's get this show on the road." Reaching down, he boosted the boy onto the drainpipe.

Xena stopped him. "And what about you?" She asked, an eyebrow arched.

"Supervisory position. I'll follow the kid up and watch 'em through the window, make sure everything goes smoothly. Besides, someone's got to get the shutters open."

"Uh, huh..."

Up the boy scurried, followed by the equally fleet Autolycus. While Xena remained on the ground on the lookout.

Reaching the second story, the boy crept out onto a narrow ledge, scooting over to make room for Autolycus, who urged them over to the window that led to the Countesses room.

Extracting the necessary tools, Autolycus made short work of the shutters. One brief 'snick' and they were good to go.

"You remember what we told you the pearls look like, right?" Autolycus whispered.

The kid nodded.

"Okay then. Go to town!"

Edging the shutters open, Autolycus allowed the kid to slip through and drop silently to the room's floor. Standing stock still, the kid surveyed his surroundings.

To the right, there was a dresser, equipped with a vanity mirror. Next to it stood an overstuffed chair. And behind it was a door. A washroom most likely.

To his left there was just a large closet, encompassing that entire wall.

And finally, on the wall facing him, set slightly to one end, was another door. Leading out of the room he guessed. But the object that most held his attention was the gigantic bed directly in front of him.

With four large posts and a canapé, it looked more like a tent than a bed. But for all the material draped over it, the curtains were sheer, and it afforded him a great view of its occupant.

Lying in the center of the bed, on her back with her face turned away towards a wall, was the Countess.

And there, resting around her neck, were the pearls.

He was both excited and appalled. Excited that he was here, and everything was working, but appalled that the Countess was wearing the necklace. How would he ever get it off without waking her?

Back tracking to the window, he wanted to know what to do.

"She's wearing it!" He urgently whispered to Autolycus.

"So what? You wanted to be a thief, well, here's your chance. She's leaving tomorrow kid. It's now or never."

Gulping, the boy looked back over his shoulder at the sleeping figure. He was the one who wanted to be like Autolycus... Taking a deep breath, he turned back around and slowly made his way over to the Countess.

She lay so still that he could have mistaken her for a statue. It was only the flesh colored skin that indicated otherwise.

G-e-n-t-l-y he parted the curtains. She gave a snort in her sleep, causing the boy to stop stone cold, his heart threatening to burst from his chest.

Backing up a step, he saw the Countesses breathing settle down again. Screwing up his courage again, the boy slowly reached his hands towards the necklace. He should of known, he thought to himself. The clasp was at the back of her neck.

Weaving his hands under her head, the boy sought to take up the pressure of the pillow. Worming one hand down, he managed to feel the clasp.

Holding his breath, he undid it, a slight 'snap' reverberating in his ears like a thousand drums. It was almost too much for him to take, but he held on as the Countess continued to sleep.

Silently, and with infinite care, the boy slid both his hands and the necklace out from under her head. Finally.

He looked down at the Countesses face one last time before leaving, and in doing so noticed something was different. The position of her head had changed, and while it was still too dark to make out her features, something was different. It wasn't long before he realized what it was.

She had opened her eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

All heck had broken loose. 

The Countess had screamed, men had come pouring into the room, swarming in on the entire area.

In his shocked stupor, he could see that Xena and Autolycus had been picked up as well. Too stunned to offer any resistance, he was hauled roughly by the scruff of his neck. Eventually he found himself thrown into a cramped little room along with Xena and Autolycus.

"Well," Xena turned to Autolycus, "here's another fine mess you've gotten us into."

"Me? Listen sister, I wasn't the one who was supposed to be on the lookout."

"Well, 'look out!'" She jumped at him, waving her hands.

"Cute."

"What happens now?" The boy asked, barely able to keep the quake out of his voice.

"Now?" Xena replied calmly. "Now we face the music. You do the crime you've got to be prepared to do the time. Right Autolycus?

"Right Autolycus?..." She repeated, leadingly.

"Oh, right! Sure. Yeah, whatever..."

"Wha-what do you mean?" The kid's eyes were wide with panic.

"They hang thieves don't they?" Xena asked out loud.

The kid's cast paled. "Hang?" He managed to squeak out.

"If we're lucky. Of course, they're more partial to tar and feathers around these parts..."

Before the startled boy could react, their cell door opened, revealing the source of their current situation.

"These are them?" The Countess asked the guards. "A rather motley crew..."

"Hey lady, you can take your..." Autolycus trailed off at the look from the guards.

"Why, this one's just a child!" The Countess exclaimed upon a closer look. "Surely there has been a mistake?" She looked imploringly at the guard.

"'Fraid not m'lady. 'e was in the room right enough."

The Countess bent down and looked the boy in the eyes. For his part he couldn't see past the huge plumed hat the woman wore, obscuring her features even at this close of a distance. Sighing, the Countess rose up again.

"All right..." motioning to the guards, she was escorted out of the cell.

Autolycus leaned back against the wall. "That was pleasant..."

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"Up on your feet. Come on, let's go."

Roused out of their sleep, the trio were bundled out of their cell, each squinting against the noonday sun.

"All right, all right! Don't have to shove. Where's this dog and pony show going anyway?" Autolycus wanted to know.

"There." One of the guards pointed straight ahead-to a gallows.

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"What-what's going on?" The boy asked, panicky.

"The end of the line." Xena replied, resigned.

"Whoa there. Aren't we entitled to a trial?" Autolycus wanted to know, not liking the looks of things. At that, a guard laughed.

"There's got to be something we can do, right? Right?" The boy looked anxiously from Xena to Autolycus and back again.

"Afraid not." Xena said. "They're not big on turning the other cheek around these parts."

Scared, the boy fought to get loose, but to no avail. "None of that." A guard said, giving the kid a shake.

Before long, the hangman's noose found itself around the trio's necks.

"Any last words?"

"Yeah," Autolycus piped up. "Quite a few in fact. Shouldn't take more than five or six hours." The noose was tightened.

"Anyone else."

While Xena was silent, a sob could be heard escaping from the boy. Everyone held their breath as the hangman's hand slowly made its way to the lever. Seeing his short life pass before his eyes, the boy, in horror, watched as the hand of doom tightened upon the instrument of his destruction.

"Wait!"

All heads swiveled around. Coming down the street in the most regal of manners was the Countess herself.

"Stop, stop! Hanging of a child? Really now!"

Bowling her way through, the Countess made her way up onto the platform.

"Who's in charge here?"

The guards looked at one another. "The village headman." One offered helpingly.

"Then get him here-immediately!" She snapped, causing the men to jump to.

"Hey buddy, while we're waiting..."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"As I see it," the Countess said, her voice rising imperiously, "the crutch of the matter here is the 'crime' of theft. However, if I were to say that these poor wretches were merely testing the measure of my security, at my behest..." 

"But that's clearly not the case." The headman said wearily.

"Who are you to make that determination? If I say they were acting as my agents none can gainsay me, correct?"

"Countess, if I can-"

"You dare to doubt my word?" She huffed, eyes flashing.

"No, no, of course not." The headman rebutted hastily. "It's just that-"

"'Just' nothing! I say that these three were under my specific orders to attempt to do what they did. As far as I'm concerned that settles the matter."

"I am sorry Countess. But it's just not that simple. Even if the charges of theft were to be, um, 'rescinded', there is still the matter of endangering the child. Even assuming this was but a 'security assessment', the use of a child in such things is unconscionable. As far as can be assessed, he has no parents, no one to watch after him. The bottom line is that this is a situation that can't be allowed to continue."

"What would you suggest?" The Countess was listening.

"I, that is the village, might be willing to overlook the, ah, shall we say 'unconventional' approach these three have taken to 'security methods'; providing the child be given over to a stable environment conducive to good citizenship."

"So basically, if we offload the kid we get to go free?" Autolycus piped up.

"Yes." The headman said, scowling.

"I think it only fair that they talk it over, since it does concern them."

Taking the cue, Xena gathered the others over for a conference.

"So, what do you say?" She asked the kid. "Either you go to a good family or the gallows." Harsh, but needed.

Hesitating, the boy looked from the headman, to Autolycus, and back; unsure as to what he wanted to do. Sensing his reluctance, Xena addressed the headman.

"What kind of family would he be put with?"

"There's an elderly couple at the edge of the village. Their own children are raised and gone, but they still have a lot of love to give. They'd be willing to take him in."

Xena looked at the kid. "What do you say? A short life of sleeping with one eye open or a long one with something to show for it?"

"Would I get my own bed?" The boy suddenly asked.

Hiding a smile, the headman replied, "Yeah, you'd get your own bed."

That, it seemed, clinched it. Making his goodbyes, the kid left for his new life. The headman was even gracious enough to escort him to his new home personally.

Alone in the room, Xena, Autolycus, and the Countess let out a collective sigh.

"I think I'm actually going to miss the little squirt." Autolycus said, leaning against the doorjamb.

"It's not too late you know. We can still go and get him if you want." Xena replied drolly.

"I'm not going to miss 'em that much."

Meanwhile, the 'Countess' had become antsy.

"That's great. Can I please get out of this getup now?" Without waiting for permission, she began taking off her extravagant headdress. Where moments before there had stood the Countess, now there was just Xena's erstwhile sidekick Gabrielle.

"Good job by the way." Xena said, casting a laconic eye over her traveling companion.

"Thanks." Gabrielle was finishing up removing the last traces of her disguise. "Whew. This feels a whole lot better."

"So, it worked." Autolycus mused. "I have to hand it to you Xena. I didn't think this little scheme of yours would pan out, but you pulled it off."

"We pulled it off. If it hadn't been for your skill with disguises, Gabrielle would never have been able to pass herself off as royalty."

"Hey!"

"When you're in my line of work certain skills come in handy." Autolycus said with false modesty. "But even so, if you hadn't known the village headman here and set the whole thing up, well..." He trailed off.

"Colcok was glad to help. That old couple gets to feel useful again. The kid gets a good home. And the village gets another hand to help out."

"And I get my life back." Autolycus enthused.

"It was a win-win situation all around." Xena finished.

"Speaking of rounds," Autolycus opened the door. "To celebrate my newfound independence, how about we visit the pub? First round's on me."

"Sounds good."

"Oh, don't mind me..." Gabrielle threw out sarcastically. Xena laughed.

"When you're finished putting yourself together, you can meet us inside." She paused. "Unless your royal highness would rather not be seen mingling with the common folk."

"Har, har."

Still laughing, Xena and Autolycus made their way to the pub for some well earned leisure.

The End.


End file.
